THE MANY SHADES OF GREY

I learned that the only person who can pull you out of a depression hole is yourself. On a sadistically wry note, it is this very same person who determines for how long you will be stuck in there.

Dark thoughts are an everyday occurrence for me now. The strength comes in me fighting off the urge to act on these dark thoughts. You know which thoughts I am talking about...

"it will be so easy if you just off yourself"

"do it and the pain will go away"

"this is the only way to end your suffering"

However, having lived in the wake of suicide by someone I love, I know that if I took my own life, although it may feel like a swift and seamless way to end my pain, it will leave a lifetime of pain for others. Ever heard of something called "survivors guilt"? That is what they live with after your suicide: your family, friends, loved ones, anyone whose life mattered to you. Yes, I've had that same thought as well... "but ending my life will end their suffering too as they won't have to put up with me anymore." This is a lie we tell ourselves in our most desperate moments. So as much as I would love to end my own suffering as easily and as quickly as this, it is a selfish and foolish way to honour those I love.

One of the many reasons why suicide is a double-edged sword (especially if you use one to do it). All the grey areas are there - the ones we see and the ones we don't see - and they make up the mesh that becomes the mess we leave behind. I think about suicide everyday but the love I have for my family is the only thing that prevents me from doing it. Here's my secret: it's not about how much they love you, it's about how much I love them.

I hoped that me coming to this realisation would be all I needed to bring myself out of the depression hole. I was wrong. All it does is it shifts my focus to other creative ways of ending my suffering. I am both my worst enemy and best ally. Imagine that...